notes from a novice

I am now a student intern at my school clinic. I can now actively practice what I have been studying for the last couple years. And, yes, it is good. And, I like it. But, after reflecting on how I 'pictured' myself in clinic and how I actually AM in clinic, I have discovered some differences between my 'dream clinic self' and my 'clinic self' in reality.

First off, my hair doesn't always look as good as my dream self.

And in seriousness.....for some reason, I imagined myself being very charismatic with my patients. I said the right words, I provided the exact amount of support they needed, I made witty jokes, and I saved them from serious health conditions. I needled the points exactly right and I got the Qi with each and every needle. I was the perfect intern.

But, in actuality, I am not. Of course, I am learning, I shouldn't be hard on myself, I should be more humble, and all that but....

I am a person who is a bit introverted. I am a person that can never quite seem to say the most elegant sentence and I am a person who has never been and probably never will be Miss Charismatic.
Overall, I admit, I am a little weird.

(and here is my point!) What I am learning right now in clinic is that my patients like it when I am myself. And, I like myself and that is who I need to be as a practitioner. I am learning to be myself (and not the person who I thought was the perfect practitioner) and most importantly, to be present. All I have to do at this point, is to be present, to be loving, and to put the needles in with intention. And, the rest of it will get figured out.

I know someone that, at times, picks a certain person for an important task and that person that is picked seems to be the most unlikely person to do that task. But, somehow, that person, whomever it may be, performs the task above and beyond what another, perhaps seemingly more qualified person could do. Why do they pick the seemingly 'unlikely' person? Perhaps they see great power and compassion in people that even that very person does not see or know that they have in themselves. Maybe they have faith in all (or most) people that they will do the right thing. Perhaps somehow I am one of those people who doesn't fit the mold quite right, but somehow, I know that I will turn out to be a darn good acupuncturist.

After all this jibber jabber, what I know is this, I have an urge to give all my patients a great big hug and tell them that "it is going to be okay" and that "they are going to be better soon".

I am satisfied with this.