What class am I?
Posted October 12th, 2007 by Davelcorp
Being an advocate and future practitioner of CA, prompts one to put a lot of thought into class and classism. Recently, I've asked myself what should be a simple question, but one I have no simple answer for. Folks, help me... what class do I belong to?
My parents were born during the tail end of the Great Depression and come from working class families. My father was raised in New Orleans and his family had very little money. My mother spent her childhood in rural cajun-country Louisiana and her family is a bunch of quarrelling dysfunctional chicken farmers who deny each other's existence (sorry Mom, if you're reading this.) Both were raised without much money and understood what it meant to go without material goods.
So, I have working class roots.
Both my parents went on to college. My mom became a nurse and worked in various New Orleans hospitals. My father got a masters degree in astrophysics (yup, he was a rocket scientist), realized he hated physicists, and got his MBA and worked for IBM for 30+ years. As soon as they married, they fled New Orleans and moved to the suburbs (Louisiana first, then Texas) and started having kids. Three of us. My dad's career necessitated us moving several times (Maryland, North Carolina, back to Texas) and each time we moved into another suburb and a larger house than before.
So, I was raised middle class. Upper middle class.
I hated the 'burbs. I didn't like the kids, and I didn't like the lifestyle. I became a snotty punk-rock kid and pretended to be "poor." I went off to college (UT Austin) and shocked the folks by studying painting and drawing. I dropped out two semesters before graduating, which my folks didn't like so they stopped sending me money. I worked some shitty jobs waiting tables, delivering pizzas, working swing-shift at a printing company... I was working-class, but had pretensions of being an artist.
So I moved to San Francisco, fell in love and got married. I worked for a grocery store for 9 years, first as a a cashier, then a supervisor, then a floor-manager. I worked 40 hrs a week and got a paycheck, and made enough to pay rent in San Francisco. But I was unhappy, and decided to go back to school. It's a long story, but I decided to go to TCM school -- I can still remember my school posting the results of a survey showing that within 10 years of graduating, the median income of alumni was $60,000+. I thought that I would never be rich (by SF-standards) but comfortable.
So, I became a student.
My son was born 3 weeks before I started TCM school. I continued to work 30 hours a week for the first year, and then I quit in order to focus on school full time. My wife took a job at the same grocery store in order for us to have health insurance, and we used my student-loans to pay for the rent. Now, I'm graduating and December and planning on starting a CA-clinic asap. I live in a 1-bedroom apartment with my wife and son, my wife sells cheese to the SF-foodies, I have approximately $100,000 in student-loan debt, and I wonder how we are going to pay rent once the loans stop coming in.
We are barely scraping by.
So, what am I? Informed by a working class ethic, raised as a snotty suburban middle-class punk, and currently living in one of the most expensive cities in America with a load of debt and severely limited funds. I'm slightly panicked.
Re: What class am I?
Dear David,
would it help to remember that class distinctions aren't real, but are here as artificial constructs for the purpose of dividing large groups of people into manageable units in our minds? I think it's understandable that you don't know. You don't really belong to any "class"!
Re: What class am I?
You dog you. Naming a clinic the SPCA.
Best. Clinic. Name. Ever.
Re: What class am I?
Skip... thank you for the clear-headed answer. I read that in between seeing tui na patients today, and almost started crying. You are the first person with a beard to ever do that to me. :-)
Much of my motivation for posting this is from reading Lisa's "Loving your Micro-business" and trying to apply the idea of serving people like yourself. It led me to ask the question "what is it with CA that resonates so strongly with me." I realized that it addresses that feeling of panic. I am panicked when it comes to money, and I know that there are many people that have that same reaction.
My story is not at all unique -- as a matter of fact, it is almost cliche -- an over repeated tale of disaffected youth rebelling against Mom, Dad, and the norm. There are plenty of us out there. There are also plenty of other people who share that panic -- true working class folks, people saddled with enormous medical bills, any body with children, etc. With CA, I can help them, and they can help me. Hopefully, together, we can replace the panic with something a little more comfortable.
At this point, I embrace my panic (and anger, and frustration, and righteousness...) and look forward to joining all my fellow panicked San Francisco residents in creating a Community.
Hmmm... what do you think of the name "Slightly Panicked Community Acupuncture"?
Re: What class am I?
Skip: you crack me up...that response was like you were channelling the spirits of Mr. Grant (from MTM - and yes, you can channel fictional characters!) and Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche (I can just imagine him laying down some similarly heavy stuff and then saying "it's really quite thrilling.")
David: your post (and panic) really resonated with me, so I have a bunch of thoughts.
I don't think you were "working class" in your earlier years; being broke and working dead-end wage jobs in your 20s isn't the same thing as changing class. But I do think it's useful experience.
I think you'll do great - probably partly because you're smart enough to be panicked. First of all there are plenty of folks with similarly mixed class allegiances in that fair city, who will resonate with you and be your patients. And then you have that Yang Ming jin gei pulse working for you...
I'm curious whether it would be fruitful to think in detail (if you haven't already) about what exactly you hated about "the lifestyle" of your suburban youth (not that I don't sympathize). And then think about the flip side of that. For example, I theoretically reject the gross materialism of the American middle class, but I have a very materially comfortable life compared to 95% of the world's populace.
I'm just trying to weed out in myself any hypocritical judgement I might have towards people who want my level of material comfort, but want to use it to buy things I don't approve of - trendy oversized handbags or Playstations or SUVs or whatever (as opposed to important things, like cool glasses and artisanal cheese! and the new Weakerthans album!) Of course the planet can't support everyone living like middle-class Americans, but that's kind of another issue.
Also, some of your feelings about suburbia will have changed from when you were a kid rebelling against your parents, right? So which of those punk values do you still hold dear? (Ye olde DIY ethos is certainly handy in business, for example, as long as you remember you can't actually do it ALL yourself.) Also, what did you like/dislike about being a grocery store manager? (Indeed, about every job you've ever had?) Would it have been different if you owned the store, for example? for better or worse? (or was it Rainbow, and you did "own" it?) How could it have turned into a job you could do your whole life? The answers to those questions might help you in setting up your clinic, as well as helping you not pity your patients too much, most of whom won't have the pleasure of doing acupuncture for a living. (Pity being about as attractive as hypocrisy and judgement.)
I hope all this makes sense; I'm just sort of thinking aloud and you've probably thunk all this already. :)
Re: What class am I?
Sometimes it is useful to know where we Fit In, and with real specifics to go with the category we are fitting in to. Categorization can be helpful in figuring out how we affect other people or why things annoy us.
And sometimes its useful simply to look at the patterns that exist, without stepping into a box. If we all have a liver, we are all likely at some point or another in life to have some relative amount of stagnant Liver qi. We all have money, and are likely at some point in life to have relatively more than someone else, and relatively less than another person.
Life experience is just a useful thing so that we can have a wider vision for people who come to us, hurting in some way or another. Its a place to build compassion from.
Courage is simply the ability to move even when you don't know what is around you or in front of you. Sounds like you have a lot of it, given that you made it through acupuncture school! Keep up the great work!
Re: What class am I?
I understand what you're going through. It is scary starting up a CA practice, or any type of practice. I've had some sleepless nights recently. Many decisions to make.
You'll be in a better position than one going solo. Partners reassure each other and share the burdens.
CAN has been an invaluable source of inspiration, help and information.
From "Go It Alone" by Bruce Judson: "...the risks associated with... (a start-up)... may be far more manageable and far more acceptable than the risks associated with corporate layoffs and downturns, which are far more likely to be out of your control."
Re: What class am I?
On one hand it makes no difference which class, middle or working, you are in because both classes share the need to work to survive. They have that in common and if there isn't a steady paycheck(something yo have to earn as opposed to something given to you) then stress levels rise.
On the other hand, the disconnection with your birth family is more likely to be a middle class trait. Essentially you are making the statement that you can make it on your own (where's Mary Tyler Moore when you need her?) with no need for a family that you didn't choose. Some people might say that you have a mighty big ego there, Stephen Colbert might admire your big swinging sack, but this is not that unusual for middle class males (such as myself- I sure can identify with you).
It all comes down to:
"I'm slightly panicked."
Good. You should be. You aren't guaranteed success (a decent income to live where you damn well please, thank you very much) as an acupuncturist. You can easily fail as many others like you have in the past. Hey you might fail so badly that your family falls apart and you are left destitute, alone. That's what the "slightly panicked" thing means, right? You could royally screw your life up. Even hurt others on your way down.
But then that's what you want to do this lifetime. Nothing else really carries meaning for you like this 8-ball you've put yourself behind here. And I'm not flippant when I say that. This total risk you are laying out is in essence your church, your religion. Once you graduate, you are no longer hiding, which is the first step in growing up. There literally no other way for you to look so deeply into your soul than to do this. There's no other way for you to grow up. You have to create something, not just be a drone in another person's big business.
You know you have people who can help you. Your wife who shares your ballsy attitude. Some friends, including other acupunks. CAN can help. Some folks in Portland could help. But you need to ask first cause I don't think you will take advice unless you ask the questions. Which is how you want it. Its part of your growing up in fact.
Slightly panicked. You should be. You have a lot to lose. It's your karma (meaning work) you are finally facing. Everyone's scared shitless of that. Most people never truly face it and that includes most acupunks. The only way to face it is to have supreme faith in that void that lies in your heart. Therin lies your courage and correct discernment. You must risk everything that makes you comfortable and feeling safe, which is what you are about to do. Its really quite thrilling.
I can't wait to see what happens with you, David.